'If we don't beat you, we'll knock your bloody heads off'
Michael Atherton's view of cricket, toned down for the official website of the Professional Cricketers Association, prior to the 2001 Ashes series
"How anyone can spin a ball the width of Gatting boggles the mind."
"If it had been a cheese roll, it would never have got past him."
"A fart competing with thunder."
"McCague will go down in Test cricket history as the rat who joined the sinking ship."
"Tufnell! Can I borrow your brain? I'm building an idiot."
"Hell, Gatt, move out of the way, I can't see the stumps."
"What do you think this is, a f***ing tea party? No you can't have a f***ing glass of water. You can f***ing wait like all the rest of us."
"There are three great international team sports in Australia: cricket, rugby (two codes), and Pom-bashing. But the greatest of these is the last, and it is time we prepared ourselves for the greatest celebration of Pom-bashing since Bodyline, the 1930s cricket tour that became an international incident. That one rankles to this day and is otherwise known as the longest whinge in sporting history."
"I dunno. Maybe it's that tally-ho lads attitude. You know, there'll always be an England, all that Empire crap they dish out. But I never could cop Poms."
"All the never-say-die qualities of a kamikaze pilot."
"If you're playing against the Australians, you don't walk."
"England have only three major problems. They can't bat, they can't bowl and they can't field."
"Come on Brearley, for God's sake! You make Denness look like Don Bradman."
"Chappell was a coward. He needed a crowd around him before he would say anything. He was sour like milk that had been sitting in the sun for a week."
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, if Thomson don't get ya, Lillee must."
"Don't give the bastard a drink. Let him die of thirst."
"A cricket tour in Australia would be the most delightful period in your life ... if you were deaf."
"All Australians are an uneducated and unruly mob."
"I don't want to see you Mr Warner. There are two teams out there; one is trying to play cricket and the other is not."
"If we don't beat you, we'll knock your bloody heads off."
"Well, we shall win the Ashes but we may lose a Dominion."
"I am not talking to anyone in the British media … they are all pricks."
"Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm f***ing talking to you. Come here, come here, come here, come here...Do that again and you're on the next plane home, son...What was that? You f***ing test me and you'll see."
"In my day 58 beers between London and Sydney would have virtually classified you as a teetotaller."
"With the possible exception of Rolf Harris, no other Australian has inflicted more pain and grief on Englishmen since Don Bradman."
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