KirKet - The cricket club

KIRKETS JOKES

It was the after-lunch session and the batsman had been drinking too heavily during the break. He staggered up to the captain and confessed that he could see three of everything. 'Well,' said the captain, 'when you get out there and the three balls come towards you, just hit the middle one. 'The batsman weaved his way to the crease and was bowled first ball. He made his way back. 'What happened?' demanded the captain. 'Didn't you hit the middle ball?' 'Yesh,' replied the batsman, 'but I used the outside bat!'

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Jones had taken his wife to a cricket match. She sat through the first innings although plainly bored. In the second innings a batsman gave a tremendous swipe and knocked the ball out of the ground. 'Thank goodness they got rid of it,' she sighed. 'Now we can all go home.'

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Later on in the same match a lot of wides were being bowled, but it was obvious that the umpire didn't know that anything was wrong. After a particularly wide delivery, the exasperated batsman said, 'Surely that was a wide!' The umpire nodded sagely. 'Arr,' he said, 'I don t think I ever saw one wider!'

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The two rival cricketers were talking. 'The local team wants me to play for them very badly.' 'Well, you're just the man for the job.'

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Just before the match, the secretary received a message in his office from the turnstiles. There's an umpire down here with two friends. Wants to know if they can come in.' 'No,' replied the secretary, 'the man s obviously lying.' 'How do you make that out?' 'Whoever heard of an umpire with two friends.'

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At the interval, everybody rushed to the bar, where local publican had thoughtfully provided a case of light ale. Unfortunately, the ale was off and halfway through the second innings, everyone was so ill that they abandoned the match. It was a case of bad light stopping play.

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The standard of batting in the local side was very low. Even at the net practice, they couldn't hit a thing. Finally, the captain rushed forward and grabbed the bat. 'Now bowl me some fast ones!' he yelled. Six fast balls came down in quick succession and the captain missed them all. Not to be put off he glared at the team and shouted, 'Now that's what you're all doing. Get in there and hit them!'

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Two dedicated Yorkshiremen were at the match. One discovered that he'd left his wallet at home and friend offered to go back for it. He returned pale and shaken. 'I've got bad news for thee, Bob. Your wife s run off and left thee, and your house 'as burned to the ground!' 'I've got worse news for thee, lad. Boycott's out.'

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In a tense game, a batsman was given run out , a decision with which he obviously disagreed. He paced up and down outside the pavilion until the umpires came in. 'I wasn't out, you know,' he said to the umpire. 'Oh no? Look in the paper tomorrow!' said the umpire.

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The batsman was out first ball. On the long walk back to the pavilion he had to pass the incoming batsman, a supercilious rival. 'Hard luck, old man,' smirked the newcomer. 'Yes. It's a shame I had to be right in the middle of a hat trick.

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The cricketer was visiting the psychiatrist. Cricketer: 'It's terrible. I can't score runs, I'm a terrible bowler, and I can't hold a catch. What can l do?' Doctor: 'Get another job.' Cricketer: 'I can't. I'm playing for England tomorrow !'

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It was an exciting match and the championship hinged on the result. George was tensely poised on the edge of his seat watching every move. His ever-patient wife asked him, 'George, What's all the fuss about? I thought they decided who were the champions last year!'

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How do you manage to keep so fit for a match?' 'I think nothing of getting up at five, running round the park for two hours, then getting in three or four hours net practice before a cold bath.' 'That's funny. I don't think much of it either!'

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An American who knew nothing of the game had been taken to a few cricket matches by a friend and was now studying the end-of-season averages. Every now and then he came across an asterisk and the words: 'Signifies not out.' Finally, he turned to his friend and said: 'Why don't you get this guy Signifies to play for your side? He's never out!'

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The nervous young batsman was having a terrible time and was lucky to still be at the crease. During a lull, he stammered to the wicket keeper, 'Well, I expect you've seen worse players.' Silence.... He said 'I said I expect you've seen worse players.' 'I heard you the first time. I was just trying to think.'

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The bowler was up against a stonewaller who never moved his bat. Every ball either hit the bat or passed harmlessly by, no stroke being offered. The bowler turned to the umpire. 'Is he out if he doesn't move his bat?' 'No,' said the umpire. 'But he will be if he does!'

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The two clubmen were talking. 'So you had a hard time explaining the cricket game to your wife, eh?' 'I certainly did. She found out I wasn't there.'

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The businessman was talking to his friend on the train home after a hard day. 'What a day I've had,' he said. 'One of the office boys asked for the afternoon off to go to his grandmother's funeral. I thought I was on to him, and went along, too.' 'Good idea,' said his friend. 'How was the match?' 'That's where I lost out. It was his grandmother's funeral!'

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'I'm proud to say that in thirty years of playing cricket, I've never scored less than twenty five runs and never taken less than three wickets,' said George. 'I wish I could say that,' said Ted. Harry spoke up. 'Well, why don't you? George just did!'

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The fast bowler tore up to the wicket and hurled a ball which caught the batsman plumb l.b.w. 'Owzat!' he bellowed. 'Not out,' said the umpire. The bowler was speechless with rage, but turned around and bowled the next ball. This one snicked the bat high up and was caught by second slip. Everyone threw their arms up, but the umpire said 'Not out.' His teammates held him back forcibly and he contained himself enough to hurl down the third ball. The batsman missed completely and all three stumps were uprooted. The bowler turned , shaking his head. As he passed the umpire, he muttered, 'Nearly 'ad him that time.'

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The cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her. At the crease, he turned to the wicket-keeper and said 'I'm anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That's my wife's mother over there.' 'Don't be silly,' said the wicket-keeper. 'You'll never hit her at two hundred yards.'

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Boss (to the office boy): 'Now on the way to Smith and Sons, you pass the cricket field, so...' Office boy (hopefully): 'Yes, sir?' Boss: 'So just pass it.'

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The batsman had a large opinion of his prowess. He was approached by a club member who couldn't resist saying to him, 'You know, whenever I watch you bat, I always wonder...' 'I know, I know. How I do it.' 'No. Why you do it.'

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A cricket enthusiast died and went to hell. After a few days, the Devil came up to him and said, 'What do you feel like doing today? You can have anything you like.' 'Well,' said the cricketer, I can't think of nothing better than a game of cricket. Can we do that?' 'Certainly,' said the Devil, and off they went to get changed. They arrived at a beautiful pitch, and the batsman in his new gear took up a stance. Nothing happpened. 'Come on then,' he said to the Devil, 'bowl the first ball.' 'Ah, that's the Hell of it,' said the Devil. 'We haven't got any balls.'

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The ball had been knocked out of the ground into the lane and everybody was out looking for it. One of the players came across an old tramp, lying in the shade. 'Excuse me' said the cricketer, 'but have you seen a cricket ball?' 'No, I haven't,' replied the tramp. 'But I've brought one from home I could sell you!'

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The cricket fan had dragged his wife and child along to the ground to watch the local side . He watched with interest, but they were plainly bored and shifted uncomfortably in their seats. The child brightened and turned to the mother. 'They just shouted 'Over', she said. 'I know.' replied her mother, wearily, 'but don't take any notice. It goes on and on and on.'

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